Giuliani: “Don’t Quote Me”

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Rudy Giuliani reveals another Trump secret.

Rudy Giuliani went on CNN today to label statements Rudy Giuliani made on Fox News yesterday as “fake news.” In a 20 minute interview with Dana Bash, Giuliani accused CNN and other news outlets of quoting Rudy Giuliani.

“It’s disgusting that CNN traffics in these massive lies, using my statements about the president’s sexual relationships with porn stars, Playboy models, bar maids, milk maids, chamber maids and scullery maids to accuse the president of having sexual relationships with porn stars, Playboy models, bar maids, milk maids, chamber maids and scullery maids. Why the hell is CNN quoting me? Even I know I’ve got more loose screws than Betsy Devos on ecstasy.”

As is his habit, Giuliani couldn’t resist the urge to drop a bombshell on national television.

“Yes, Donald Trump coordinated with Russian Intelligence to release Clinton campaign emails. But if CNN and the rest of the fake news networks think Donald Trump coordinated with Russian Intelligence to release Clinton campaign emails, they should keep in mind the source of this completely bogus story. Have you met Rudy Giuliani? The guy’s a first class whack-a-doodle. I’m what you get when you lock Mike Pence, Kellyanne Conway and Sarah Sanders in a room for a week with nothing but a bag of Doritos, a book of matches, half a cherry cheese cake and Betsy Devos on ecstasy. And you can quote me on that, but don’t quote me on that.”

Kimswitched! Trump Cancels Summit

A Kim by any name…

“President” Trump abruptly called off his summit with Kim Jung Un this week when White House aides pointed out that the meeting would be with the leader of North Korea and not the curvy wife of Trump superfan Kanye West. A White House source told thefloydspin Trump was hoping to use the summit to denuclearize Kardashian’s peninsula.

“The president threw an epic tantrum when he found out he was meeting with a spoiled brat narcissist with a normal butt and not a spoiled brat narcissist with a reality TV butt. He blamed Obama, Clinton, Mueller and the microwave oven in the White House press office for Kimswitching him.”

The summit mix-up is indicative of a president who doesn’t always play well with facts.

“You should have seen the look on his face when he found out there’s no such thing as a Nobel Piece Prize. I swear there has got to be a better way to screw over immigrants and poor people. I fully expect to wake up tomorrow to fourteen tweets about buttgate.”

Paul Ryan Adds Slavery Requirement to Farm Bill

Paul Ryan Squishes Reality Between His Thumb and Forefinger

House speaker Paul Ryan has doubled down on his plan to set work requirements for recipients of food stamps as part of the Farm Bill currently being considered by Congress. In a statement to members of the House Freedom Caucus yesterday Ryan said he intends to impose a binding servitude clause on any able bodied worker over the age of 6 who fits a certain profile, which Ryan defined as “non-traditional socio-economical-ethnic,” and which black people describe as “black.” Ryan said his proposal makes sense for everybody.

“Look, it’s not like this hasn’t been done before. Back in the 1800’s we had a win-win program just like this. People had lifetime job security, plantation owners made a killing and some wonderful songs about freedom and hardship and freedom became part of the fabric of America. And speaking of fabric, don’t forget that was the heyday of the cotton industry in this country.”

Ryan bristled when confronted with the similarities between his idea and America’s original sin.

“This is not slavery. With slavery black people were beaten and they had to work like animals just to stay alive in a society where they were treated like property because of the color of their skin. With my plan nobody gets beaten, but if they do, at least they won’t go hungry, but if they do go hungry, we’ll get some awesome songs out of it.”

V.P. Pence Totally Expected to Be President By Now

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Vice President Pence wonders, Faust or famine?

Vice President Mike Pence can’t believe he isn’t president yet. A source close to the veep told thefloydspin today Pence is extremely frustrated that Congress is taking forever to impeach “President” Trump.

“What’s it take to get rid of Trump? I mean the guy makes Mike Pence look like Ronald Reagan! And believe me, Pence is no Ronald Reagan. He’s closer to a Dan Quayle. Except Quayle never betrayed everything he ever stood for to be vice president. Have things gotten so bad in this country that sacrificing your principles on the altar of personal ambition doesn’t get you the presidency? Seriously, I pray for America.”

Pence’s frustration is said to be expressing itself in chilling ways.

“The V.P. wanders the halls of the Naval Observatory practicing his State of the Union speech. It’s kind of creepy to hear him softly sobbing while he mumbles about the sanctity of marriage, religious freedom for rich white people and the healing power of Mayberry R.F.D. re-runs, season 2. His heart is in the right place but Trump is like America’s dose of herpes. He won’t go away and he’s what we get for screwing around with democracy.”

Trump to Replace Entire Cabinet

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Kentucky Fried Senior Staff

“President” Trump will fire his entire cabinet and replace them with Stormy Daniels. A sources close to the president expects the move within days.

“You knew this was coming. Trump never liked the idea of any secretary working for him being an ugly old dude or an ugly old woman or Ben Carson. He’s always leaned toward porn stars in secretarial positions, obviously. And what better way to keep Stormy from blabbing to the press than to put her in charge of education, commerce, foreign affairs, national defense, all the crap the cabinet does. And talk about must see TV, how much you wanna bet she does better at her Senate confirmation hearing than those bozos she’s replacing?”

The source confirmed an even bigger staff shake-up can be expected in the weeks to come.

“He’s replacing John Kelly, his chief of staff and H.R. McMaster, his national security adviser with five hookers, a pile of cash and a bucket of Kentucky fried chicken. The president loves money, breasts and thighs. But only white meat.”

White House Hit by Category Five Stormy


Phallic + Symbolic = The Perfect Stormy

Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders confirmed today that “President” Trump did not have sex with porn star Stormy Daniels, but if he did, it didn’t constitute reckless, reprehensible behavior, but if it did, the press shouldn’t focus on Trump’s reckless, reprehensible behavior, but if they do, the President’s lawyer Michael Cohen won’t pay every reporter in America $130,000 to shut the hell up, but if he does, that’s not an admission that Trump had sex with porn star Stormy Daniels, but if it is, Trump will meet with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un in May. Sanders made it clear that the president has more important things to worry about than Stormy Daniels.

“The President is focused on denuclearizing either North or South Korea, whichever is the bad one, so he doesn’t have time to worry about someone he never had sex with dozens of times, which is why the President prevailed in the arbitrary arbitration that was arbitrarily arbitrated on I believe Arbor Day. So to sum up, no collusion.”

In related news Miss Daniels announced principal photography for her next project begins Tuesday. Gag Order is scheduled for release Wednesday.

NRA Spokeswoman Fires Away at Critics

NRA Spokeswoman Dana “Dead-eye” Loesch 

National Rifle Association spokeswoman Dana “Dead-eye” Loesch shot several holes in the argument for banning semiautomatic rifles yesterday at a press conference marred by the accidental shooting of twenty-nine reporters.

“Some people say let’s keep guns out of the hands of crazy people who want to shoot people who don’t have guns because crazy people with guns shoot more people who don’t have guns than crazy people who don’t have guns. I say who are these crazy people who don’t have guns? Don’t they know there are a bunch of crazy people running around with guns? This is America, not some crazy third world country where they take guns away from crazy people and force them to shoot people with their bare hands. Can you imagine me shooting someone with my bare hands. Not with these nails! Crazy! That’s why I carry this Bushmaster XM-15. It’s sleek, it’s stylish and it has a hair trigger. Don’t worry, it’s loaded.

A GoFundMe has been set up to cover medical expenses.