White House Secret Service agents had to revive Sarah Palin yesterday, moments after Palin had posed for a picture in the Oval Office with “President” Trump. According to a senior administration source, Palin passed out when she mistook a portrait of former first lady Hillary Clinton for a mirror.
“Palin was hanging out with Ted Nugent and Kid Rock, comparing tattoos and joking about Armageddon, when she stopped in front of the Clinton portrait, mumbled something about ‘Mirror, mirror on the wall…’, and the next thing you know, she let out a little whimper and collapsed. I’m pretty sure she peed her pants. Well, there she was, drooling on the carpet, when Ted Nugent rushed over to give her mouth to mouth, only he missed her mouth by a country mile, if you know what I mean.”
Luckily the Secret Service was taking a break from guarding the leader of the free world.
“A couple of agents posing for selfies with Kid Rock quickly put on latex gloves and pried Nugent off Palin. They resuscitated her using standard Secret Service procedure, an emergency shot of bourbon and a taser chaser. Palin came to with a start, shouting, ‘I’m pretty, Todd! I’m pretty! Oh God, tell me I’m pretty!’ The whole incident was weird and super scary. I guess Mrs. Palin really really wants to be the fairest of them all.”
The Trump train has gotten off to a rocky start, but “President” Trump’s loyal supporters remain all aboard. That’s what thefloydspin learned recently when we used a bait and switch scheme to convene a focus group of Trump voters in swing state Michigan. The voters, all residents of Michigan’s upper peninsula, responded to a bogus ad in The Escanaba Daily Press calling for volunteers to monitor a local donut shop being used by Hillary Clinton to launder money from her Bolivian cocaine ring and her mail order human eyeball trafficking operation. After thefloydspin apologized to Marge Court, Jeff Pellum and Jimmer Wittman, we bought them donuts and asked them how they feel Trump is doing.
Marge: Ya know, that’s a good donut! Is there something special in that donut cause that’s a good donut! Whoo hoo! Who wants to get laid?!
Jeff: Easy, Marge. Hands to yourself. Trump? He’s doing fine. He just needs to remember folks like me voted for him because he’ll shake up Washington and because he’s a man, not a female woman like Hillary. Hillary is a female woman. What is in these donuts? Whoo hoo! Say Marge, did anybody ever tell you you’ve got yourself a couple of nice donuts?
Jimmer: Damn right I support President Trump! He got us out of Iraq. He solved the financial crisis and got the economy rolling again. He brought us healthcare for everybody. And also he got Bin Laden, all in the first 100 days. Obama was in there for eight years. How come he couldn’t get any of that stuff done? God bless President Trump! More donuts!
Oops! He did it again. Sean Spicer is backpedaling faster than an NFL free safety after comments he made yesterday favorably comparing Adolf Hitler to Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. In an interview with thefloydspin, Spicer, who admitted he has let “President” Trump down, explained himself.
“I didn’t say Hitler was a nice guy. All I said was Adolf Hitler didn’t drop sarin gas on his own people, which is true. It’s like if I stab you through the heart with a kitchen knife but I don’t shoot you in the face with a 12 gauge shotgun. Aren’t you glad I didn’t shoot you in the face with a 12 gauge shotgun? Or let’s say I systematically exterminate you and six million of your Jewish friends, but I don’t drop a single sarin gas bomb on you. If you’re someone like me who sees the glass as half full, you’re naturally going to be grateful, right?”
Spicer apologized for making it look like the Trump White House is trying to gloss over the Holocaust.
“The president knows the Holocaust was terrible. That’s why there is no longer any Holocaust Center funding in his proposed budget. You’re welcome and Happy Passover!”
A Pentagon source acknowledged today that, of the 59 tomahawk missiles fired into Syria yesterday, one missed its target. But there is a perfectly good explanation for the malfunction. The Navy replaced the high explosive warhead on missile 59 with two hundred gallons of Pepsi and one Kendall Jenner. Unfortunately, the Pepsi combined with Kendall’s signature body wash, Kleandall, to corrode the circuitry that controls the missile’s guidance system, causing the tomahawk to veer off course. According to the source, what happened next is a testament to the power of Pepsi and Kendall to screw up a wet dream.
“The missile was programmed to hover majestically above Shayrat airfield, ironically spraying a cloud of Pepsi onto the Syrian troops below. Then Kendall was going to shimmy down a rope made of conflict free llama fur, dandelions and extra lacey Victoria’s Secret boustierres. Once she was on the ground she was supposed to walk up to the Syrians in super slow mo and hand the most handsome soldier a Pepsi. Bingo! Middle East solved. Unfortunately, with the GPS gone, the missile went rogue, crashing through a window into some random Syrian teenager’s bedroom. The Pepsi took the brunt of the impact and Kendall survived, but things got ugly. According to social media and cell phone intercepts, the kid was ecstatic. It’s a teenage boy’s dream to wake up to Kendall Jenner soaked in Pepsi, right? But Kendall started screaming her head off, ‘Get me an Uber and get me out of this god-forsaken hell hole!’ She broke the kid’s heart. I’m told Pepsi sent in an elite squad of supermodels dressed as sexy Navy Seals and they got her out. But believe me, that’s the last time the U.S. military loads Kendall Jenner into a missile.”
“President” Donald Trump surprised a group of middle school students on a tour of the White House today when he popped into the Roosevelt room to blame Barack Obama for the Syrian government’s use of chemical weapons against civilians. A thefloydspin reporter embedded with the children caught Trump’s remarks on tape.
“I had no idea Obama was this nasty! First, he taps my phones. Then he orders the unmasking of Mike Flynn and Zorro and Batman and Lego Batman, who is really Lego Bruce Springsteen. Then he drops gas bombs on innocent people. Very sad. Now who wants to see the nuclear football? Gather round kids. Let’s see who can guess today’s launch code. By the way, little known fact: it’s not an actual football. Also, Lincoln was a Republican, Frederick Douglas is dead, and I don’t care what she says, it was consensual.”
One sixth grader was unimpressed.
“He showed me a used kidney he got off some Congressman. Gross!”
The White House announced today that “President” Trump will donate a kidney to Toys for Tots. According to administration spokesman Sean Spicer, Trump wants to find a way to make a difference in people’s lives that doesn’t involve learning facts or working with Congress. Shortly after making the announcement, the White House press office scrambled to clarify the identity of the kidney’s owner.
“There has been speculation in the fake news media that the kidney the president will donate will not be his own. Nothing could be further from the truth. The president owns the kidney fair and square and he has the bill of sale to prove it. The president paid a fair black market price for the kidney, which is legal because it came from a black person. Also, this transaction is in no way racist because the President of the United States is, by definition, not a racist. For the record, the kidney the president got from Congressman Nunes last week will remain the property of the president and will not be donated to Toys for Tots.”
Spicer was asked why Toys for Tots would want a donated kidney.
Egyptian dictator Abdel Fattah el-Sisi earned his spot on Team Trump today when he took a motorcade directly from his meeting with the “President” to Nationals Park, where he threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home opener. Despite his abysmal record on human rights, the brutal dictator was invited to take the mound in Trump’s stead because Americans despise him less than they do Trump. A senior White House staffer told thefloydspin el-Sisi was Trump’s second choice.
“We originally wanted Chinese President Xi Jinping but he hates the Nationals. Xi’s a Mets fan. Personally, I think el-Sisi worked out fine. He had no trouble making the throw after he pulled a gun on the grounds crew and ordered them to move the pitcher’s mound to fifteen feet from home plate.”
As for the throw, it looked low and inside, but the White House insists it was a strike.
“Right down the middle. Look, under the circumstances, General el-Sisi did as well as could be expected. Yes, the crowd booed him for twenty minutes, but nobody tried to rush the field or anything. Though, to be fair, the gun might have had something to do with that. When you shoot the umpire in the toe for calling your pitch a ball, that tends to send a message.”