Trump Dumps on Desk, Jeffrey Lord Defends It

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Actual Photo of Trump Tower

Anderson Cooper was right. Donald Trump really could take a dump on his desk in the Oval Office and Jeffrey Lord really would defend it. That is exactly what happened. Minutes before the “President” departed for his trip abroad, Trump pooped on his desk. A source inside the White House told thefloydspin Trump wanted to make sure nobody touched his stuff while he was away embarrassing the United States on the world stage.

“He’s a little obsessive compulsive. If he comes back and finds anything out of place, he’ll go ballistic. I mean literally ballistic. That’s why Mattis keeps him away from the nuclear football. One ink pen pointed east when it should be facing west and North Korea gets turned into a glowing pile of ash, rubble and singed dim sum.”

Thefloydspin spoke with Jeffrey Lord about Trump’s scatological proclivities.

“I don’t know what the big deal is. Yes, Donald Trump poops outside the box. Americans love that about him. They elected him president because they wanted him to leave his permanent mark in Washington.”

Thefloydspin’s White House source agreed with Lord.

“It’s permanent all right. I’m not cleaning that up!”

Paul Ryan Thinks He’s a Chicken

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Actual Photo of the Egg Paul Ryan Laid

House speaker Paul Ryan is on the case. Ryan told thefloydspin today that Republicans in Congress will follow the facts as they investigate whether “President” Trump attempted to obstruct the FBI’s investigation into his campaign’s involvement with Russian meddling in the U.S. election.

“Look, just because James Comey wrote a memo, that doesn’t mean President Trump did anything wrong. Keep in mind, this Comey character got fired recently. Are we honestly going to believe someone who can’t hold down a steady job? My motto has always been, ‘Never trust the unemployed.’ Don’t trust poor people, either. Or women, especially pregnant women or women who may become pregnant, which is basically all women. ‘Don’t trust women, poor people, unemployed people or unemployed people who write memos.’ That’s my new, revised motto.”

Asked if the Comey memo is the smoking gun that could get Trump impeached, Ryan pretended to be a chicken by flapping his arms, pecking and laying an egg.

“Boc boc boc boc boc! Boc boc!”

Republicans Pass Trumpcare without Reading the Bill

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Actual Photo of Paul Ryan Wearing a Pink Tutu in a Green Bay, Wisconsin Mini Mall Parking Lot

Citing a need for “plausible deniability,” Republicans in the House of Representatives are defending their vote to repeal and replace Obamacare without actually reading the bill. Thefloydspin spoke with House speaker Paul Ryan about the controversial strategy.

“Look, for the last seven years Republicans have campaigned on repeal and replace, not repeal and improve. Now maybe millions will lose their healthcare, and perhaps thousands will die, and it’s possible rich people will get a massive tax cut. That could all be true but, since we didn’t read the bill, we can’t be held responsible. Besides, if we spent a ton of time reading that bill we wouldn’t have time to do a tax reform package that will potentially reward the rich, possibly screw poor people and maybe blow up the deficit, which it may or may not do. Who knows? Not Republicans. We’re definitely not going to read that one either.”

Ryan is confident the strategy poses little risk for Republicans in the upcoming midterm elections.

“If voters paid any attention at all we’d be facing disaster in 2018. But what are the odds of that happening? I mean, look at how many people read thefloydspin? This article you’re writing, I’m not going to read it. I assume it will consist of fake quotes about politics, my drug habit and the embarrassing picture of me wearing a pink tutu in a Green Bay, Wisconsin mini mall parking lot. And make no mistake, all that is fine with me, as long as you don’t mention how hard Republicans are screwing America.”

Sarah Palin Mistakes Clinton Portrait for Mirror, Passes Out

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Actual Photo of Sarah Palin’s Bathroom Mirror

White House Secret Service agents had to revive Sarah Palin yesterday, moments after Palin had posed for a picture in the Oval Office with “President” Trump. According to a senior administration source, Palin passed out when she mistook a portrait of former first lady Hillary Clinton for a mirror.

“Palin was hanging out with Ted Nugent and Kid Rock, comparing tattoos and joking about Armageddon, when she stopped in front of the Clinton portrait, mumbled something about ‘Mirror, mirror on the wall…’, and the next thing you know, she let out a little whimper and collapsed. I’m pretty sure she peed her pants. Well, there she was, drooling on the carpet, when Ted Nugent rushed over to give her mouth to mouth, only he missed her mouth by a country mile, if you know what I mean.”

Luckily the Secret Service was taking a break from guarding the leader of the free world.

“A couple of agents posing for selfies with Kid Rock quickly put on latex gloves and pried Nugent off Palin. They resuscitated her using standard Secret Service procedure, an emergency shot of bourbon and a taser chaser. Palin came to with a start, shouting, ‘I’m pretty, Todd! I’m pretty! Oh God, tell me I’m pretty!’ The whole incident was weird and super scary. I guess Mrs. Palin really really wants to be the fairest of them all.”

Trump Supporters Loyal to a Fault

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Actual Photo of Marge and a Couple of Nice Donuts

The Trump train has gotten off to a rocky start, but “President” Trump’s loyal supporters remain all aboard. That’s what thefloydspin learned recently when we used a bait and switch scheme to convene a focus group of Trump voters in swing state Michigan. The voters, all residents of Michigan’s upper peninsula, responded to a bogus ad in The Escanaba Daily Press calling for volunteers to monitor a local donut shop being used by Hillary Clinton to launder money from her Bolivian cocaine ring and her mail order human eyeball trafficking operation. After thefloydspin apologized to Marge Court, Jeff Pellum and Jimmer Wittman, we bought them donuts and asked them how they feel Trump is doing.

Marge: Ya know, that’s a good donut! Is there something special in that donut cause that’s a good donut! Whoo hoo! Who wants to get laid?!

Jeff: Easy, Marge. Hands to yourself. Trump? He’s doing fine. He just needs to remember folks like me voted for him because he’ll shake up Washington and because he’s a man, not a female woman like Hillary. Hillary is a female woman. What is in these donuts? Whoo hoo! Say Marge, did anybody ever tell you you’ve got yourself a couple of nice donuts?

Jimmer: Damn right I support President Trump! He got us out of Iraq. He solved the financial crisis and got the economy rolling again. He brought us healthcare for everybody. And also he got Bin Laden, all in the first 100 days. Obama was in there for eight years. How come he couldn’t get any of that stuff done? God bless President Trump! More donuts!

Marge: More donuts!

Sean Spicer’s Special Passover Message

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Actual Photo of a Holocaust Center

Oops! He did it again. Sean Spicer is backpedaling faster than an NFL free safety after comments he made yesterday favorably comparing Adolf Hitler to Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. In an interview with thefloydspin, Spicer, who admitted he has let “President” Trump down, explained himself.

“I didn’t say Hitler was a nice guy. All I said was Adolf Hitler didn’t drop sarin gas on his own people, which is true. It’s like if I stab you through the heart with a kitchen knife but I don’t shoot you in the face with a 12 gauge shotgun. Aren’t you glad I didn’t shoot you in the face with a 12 gauge shotgun? Or let’s say I systematically exterminate you and six million of your Jewish friends, but I don’t drop a single sarin gas bomb on you. If you’re someone like me who sees the glass as half full, you’re naturally going to be grateful, right?”

Spicer apologized for making it look like the Trump White House is trying to gloss over the Holocaust.

“The president knows the Holocaust was terrible. That’s why there is no longer any Holocaust Center funding in his proposed budget. You’re welcome and Happy Passover!”

Navy Fires Tomahawk Loaded with 200 Gallons of Pepsi and Kendall Jenner

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Actual Photo of Kendall Jenner Making a Difference with Her Butt

A Pentagon source acknowledged today that, of the 59 tomahawk missiles fired into Syria yesterday, one missed its target. But there is a perfectly good explanation for the malfunction. The Navy replaced the high explosive warhead on missile 59 with two hundred gallons of Pepsi and one Kendall Jenner. Unfortunately, the Pepsi combined with Kendall’s signature body wash, Kleandall, to corrode the circuitry that controls the missile’s guidance system, causing the tomahawk to veer off course. According to the source, what happened next is a testament to the power of Pepsi and Kendall to screw up a wet dream.

“The missile was programmed to hover majestically above Shayrat airfield, ironically spraying a cloud of Pepsi onto the Syrian troops below. Then Kendall was going to shimmy down a rope made of conflict free llama fur, dandelions and extra lacey Victoria’s Secret boustierres. Once she was on the ground she was supposed to walk up to the Syrians in super slow mo and hand the most handsome soldier a Pepsi. Bingo! Middle East solved. Unfortunately, with the GPS gone, the missile went rogue, crashing through a window into some random Syrian teenager’s bedroom. The Pepsi took the brunt of the impact and Kendall survived, but things got ugly. According to social media and cell phone intercepts, the kid was ecstatic. It’s a teenage boy’s dream to wake up to Kendall Jenner soaked in Pepsi, right? But Kendall started screaming her head off, ‘Get me an Uber and get me out of this god-forsaken hell hole!’ She broke the kid’s heart. I’m told Pepsi sent in an elite squad of supermodels dressed as sexy Navy Seals and they got her out. But believe me, that’s the last time the U.S. military loads Kendall Jenner into a missile.”