Obama Uses Drone Diplomacy to Sway Senate

The Obama Administration stepped up its efforts today to push forward the confirmation of Supreme Court nominee Merrick Garland when the President signed an executive order authorizing the use of drones to target senators who refuse to take up Garland’s nomination. Sitting in the Oval Office flanked by the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Joseph Dunford, Obama took dead aim at Senate Republicans.

“I’m taking dead aim at Senate Republicans. I am instructing the U.S. military to use drone diplomacy to persuade any senator who refuses to do his job. Now if this means a senator’s morning routine gets interrupted by a hellfire missile, so be it. The American people deserve a Supreme Court with all nine justices. Mitch, Chuck, I’m coming for you. If you’re not packing your kill zones with puppies you can expect a little Iraq courtesy of Barack. BOOM!”

Informed of the President’s decision, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and Judiciary Committee Chairman Chuck Grassley issued a joint statement.

“We are not intimidated by the President’s outrageous threats. We have filed an emergency petition with the Supreme Court and we are confident they will rule this action unconstitutional or, at worst, deadlock along ideological lines. We remain committed to the next President’s right to pick the next Supreme Court Justice, unless Hillary wins, in which case Merrick Garland will make a fine Supreme Court Justice.”

According to local sources several senate staff members have been spotted at Washington D.C. area pet stores.