Ted Cruz Sues Magic Mirror

Former presidential candidate and current Texas Senator Ted Cruz argued in Amarillo County small claims court today that the magic mirror he purchased at a yard sale is defective and he wants his fifty cents back.

Appearing before Judge Amy Stueter, Cruz supported his claim by asking, “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the most loveable senator of all?”

When the mirror 3270904061_f7cf29b552_zresponded, “F**k off, I hate you!” Cruz threatened to shut down the federal government and demanded $400 billion dollars in punitive damages.

Judge Stueter appeared skeptical.

“Senator Cruz, if you can bring before this court one person who doesn’t hate you I’m prepared to rule in your favor here and now.”

The transcript of the exchange that followed is both informative and heart wrenching.

“Your honor, do they have to testify under oath or can we keep this off the record, between friends?

“I’m not your friend, Senator.”

“You’re lying, Judge! Everybody loves me!”

“Case dismissed! Bailiff, get this rat-faced toad out of my sight!”

“Mrs. Cruz, I’m the judge here and I will decide the disposition of this case. Now Mr. Cruz, is there anyone who will testify on your behalf? Anyone at all?”

“I was going to call on Heidi, but….”

“Case dismissed!”

“Hell, I don’t even like me.”