John Boehner faced fierce backlash today from one of the Republican Party’s most loyal supporters when the Prince of Darkness demanded Boehner apologize for commenting recently that Ted Cruz is “Lucifer in the flesh.”
Suddenly appearing out of thin air at a Cleveland political fundraiser attended by Boehner, Lucifer berated the former House Speaker.
“I’ve been called a lot of things but comparing me to that foul, disgusting piece of slime crosses a line. Say you’re sorry or I’ll turn you into Ron Paul!”
When Boehner refused to apologize, Lucifer produced a document bearing Boehner’s bloody signature. While the exact contents of the document are not known, it resembled the standard contract most politicians sign before embarking on their political careers.
“Need I remind you Mr. Speaker that we are going to be spending a lot of time together soon?”
To his credit Boehner stood his ground.
“Need I remind you that I spent several years dealing with the Tea Party?”
Lucifer seemed genuinely impressed by Boehner’s spunk.
“Point taken. Look, I understand how you feel about Cruz but could you at least try to respect my feelings? I may be evil incarnate but I have my pride.”
Always the strong leader, Boehner replied characteristically.
“Let me consult with my caucus.”
Lucifer smiled as the two shook hands and posed for the cameras.
“John, you and I are going to have a lot of fun together. A hell of a lot of fun!”