Sanders Mocks Mock Election

When Mrs. Brink’s 4th grade class in Gridley, California held a mock Democratic primary last week they got an unexpected lesson in politics. The hometown newspaper, The Gridley Herald, went to press with a story on the McKinley Elementary School class that caught the eye of presidential candidate Bernie Sanders.

In a sit down interview with MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow, Sanders took loud issue with the election results.

“These kids supposedly voted for Secretary Clinton over me by a margin of 12 to 8, but I’m told at least 7 of Clinton’s votes were cast 7891333040_cc3b49fa46_zby so called superstudents! These superstudents are members of the 4th grade Establishment and their support for Secretary Clinton speaks volumes about the corrupting influence of Big Lunch Money in Mrs. Brink’s classroom! Let me be clear, I hate these disgusting superstudents’ guts, but if they support me I will love them with all my heart! Kids need love!”

When Maddow pointed out that elementary school primaries have no impact on the outcome of real presidential primaries, Sanders grew testy.

“You should know better, Rachel! Every vote counts! Besides, this is an age group I should be crushing! I consistently poll well over 90 percent with the 8 to 10 year-olds! The younger they are the more Bern they feel! 6 to 8 year-olds like me more than they like their own parents and 4 to 6 year-olds view me as God. The New Testament God not the Old Testament, which when you think about it, kind of ironic! They see Trump as the Old Testament God!”

Asked if children should be given the vote, Senator Sanders agreed at the top of his lungs.

“Of course they should! Children are our future! And do I look like I can wait for them to get any older?!”