North Carolina Governor Shows off Dickometer

North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory went on CNN today to respond to critics who say the state’s new transgender bathroom law is unenforceable. In an interview with Anderson Cooper, McCrory presented the state’s solution for quick and easy gender verification.136165399_3ce143c8a8_z

“Anderson, they say it’s impossible for law enforcement to determine gender without people producing their birth certificates. Well, we’ve solved that. See this clever device? It’s called the Dickometer. Watch this. I drop my pants like so, place one end of the Dickometer here and extend. Then I-”

“Governor, that’s a tape measure.”

“Dickometer, Anderson. We’re going to put a Dickometer in the hands of each of the 75,ooo police officers we’re hiring to make sure every public restroom in North Carolina is safe for our children. And best of all, each Dickometer only costs the state $900 dollars or so.”

“$900 dollars for a tape measure?”

“Dickometer. Great deal, right? We got them used from the U.S. Marines.”

“Governor, how do you propose to pay for-”

“The State of North Carolina will spare no expense to keep our children safe. We’re gutting K-12 education, slashing school lunch programs and eliminating child protective services. It’s all about the kids, Anderson.”

“Would you mind putting that away, Governor? Not that there’s much to see.”

“It’s cold here, Anderson.”

“No it’s not.”