Bernie Sanders Wins Hypothetical Nomination

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Bernie Sanders took a big step towards winning the hypothetical presidency Tuesday night when he declared himself the hypothetical Democratic nominee. Speaking before a crowd of enthusiastic supporters in Carson, California, Sanders made the announcement after winning the Oregon primary and narrowly losing the contest in Kentucky.

“I am pleased to report that we have won Oregon and though we barely lost Kentucky, we virtually won there, which means that no matter how far ahead Secretary Clinton is in the so called ‘actual’ vote count, we have now secured the hypothetical nomination! But this is just the beginning! We’re going to take our political revolution to Washington, right after we prevail in a hypothetical matchup against Donald Trump!”

His spirits buoyed by the deafening roar that greeted his announcement, Sanders was hypothetically hyped.

“I pledge to you that a hypothetical Sanders Administration will bring about hypothetical free college, hypothetical free healthcare and hypothetical free ice cream for anybody who wants it! Except tooty fruity! I hate tooty fruity! But hypothetically, I could learn to love tooty fruity! Hypothetical tooty fruity for everybody!”

Sanders ended on an inspiring note.

“Together we’re going to prove to the naysayers and the political pundits that no matter what the so called ‘delegate math’ tells us, no matter who the so called ‘voters’ choose and no matter where the so called ‘facts’ take us, our political revolution will carry the day, hypothetically speaking!”