Bill O’Reilly: Black Lives Matter Stole My Puppy

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Fox News host Bill O’Reilly claimed last night that the Black Lives Matter movement stole his puppy. O’Reilly often uses his show, The O’Reilly Factor, as a soapbox to push back against the Black Lives Matter narrative, but last night a tearful O’Reilly levelled charges of a more personal nature.

“Black Lives Matter stole my puppy! I know it was them. Who else would do such a despicable thing? Can someone get me a handkerchief – preferably white.”

After blowing his nose, O’Reilly took a deep breath, fingered the Ronald Reagan action figure he keeps under his desk, and cited a few “statistics”.

“These people claim they are victims of police brutality and institutional racism but really they are responsible for ninety-five percent of property crimes, ninety-nine percent of  violent crimes and one-hundred percent of puppynappings. They also lost Viet Nam and invented sadness. These are real facts because I said them on TV.”

O’Reilly, who doesn’t actually own a pet, made a heart-wrenching plea to Black Lives Matter to give back his imaginary puppy.

“Little William F. Puppy never hurt anyone. He just chews on slippers, poops on the San Francisco Chronicle and distrusts Asian landscapers. Bring him back to me and I promise I’ll press charges in a fair and balanced way.”