Man Buys Trump’s Soul, Wants His Money Back

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Actual Photo of Donald Trump

A Florida man who spent his life’s savings to buy Donald Trump’s soul is suing Trump because, he says, he is the victim of a classic bait and switch.

Robert Crowley, a retired software engineer, spent $1 million dollars to get the billionaire’s soul. But when the package arrived at his suburban home in Jacksonville, Crowley had a sneaking suspicion he’d been bamboozled.

“It showed up in a shipping container. I expected maybe an envelope or a small box. Trump doesn’t have enough soul to require anything bigger.”

Sure enough, when Crowley opened the door to the container he was met with a foul stench, a terrifying wave of insecurity, hatred for his fellow man and a sudden urge to tweet pictures of his own fabulous butt.

“It was his ego. No wonder it came on the back of a truck. Now I’ve got this monstrosity sitting out in front of my house. My wife says it makes her feel icky, my neighbors complain because it won’t stop talking about itself and yesterday it crapped on my lawn!”

Crowley’s attorney, Tom Beckert, thinks his client has a strong case.

“Mr. Crowley spent a lot of money to get something that’s essentially worthless. We’re told that Mr. Trump has perpetrated the same scam on dozens of people. This has the makings of a class action suit.”

Responding through his attorney, Donald Trump touted his innocence.

“This guy’s a liar and a closet Canadian. I would never sell my soul for money. Women? Power? A shot at the White House? Sure. But never for money.”