An alien fleet of flying saucers bound for Earth has been delayed after their leader tuned into Fox News and began to question the wisdom of enslaving the human race. General Derklomenopor, Supreme Commander of the invasion force from Kepler 62f, an earth-like planet located in the Lyra constellation some 1,200 lightyears from Earth, spoke telepathically with CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, whom many believe is probably an alien himself.
“Yeah, we intercepted a signal from your Fox News and I couldn’t believe my eye. The talking humanoids were spewing such hatred I almost threw up in both my butts. Luckily, I was able to cleanse the images from my brain by switching to a Gilligan’s Island re-run. The Skipper was the hottest female on that show.”
Pressed by Blitzer to explain what it was that bothered him about Fox News, Derklomenopor telespoke candidly.
“They’re a bunch of lying plerkholes, with their ‘Benghazi’ this and ‘death panels’ that. If I want to see humans existing in a distorted reality of their own creation, I’ll turn on the Kardashians. At least they have massive schloogmirkers, if you know what I mean.”
Derklomenopor suggested that his long journey may not have been a total waste.
“I figure we’ll eliminate the humans and move in. We won’t have a race of slaves to do our bidding, but at least the universe will finally be rid of Justin Bieber. Totally worth it.”