Trump Delivers Trump University Commencement Address

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Actual Photo of the Trump Coat of Heads

The newly minted graduating class at Trump University got a rare treat when their alma mater’s namesake spoke at commencement today. As students took their seats, the sound of Pomp and Circumstance still ringing in their ears, Donald Trump strode to the microphone, ready to inspire the graduates to do great things.

“Congratulations class of May 25th to May 29th, 2016! It took a couple of days of hard work and twenty-five or thirty thousand bucks to get here but you made it! Now go out and change the world!”

Trump paused for a moment to ponder the sea of eager faces hanging on his every word.

“What are you waiting for, a refund? Go on, get out of here! I don’t have time for this. I wouldn’t even be here except they told me this could help with the lawsuits and it’s tax deductible. Also, do I look fabulous in this robe or what? Is it legal to make a robe out of hundred dollar bills? Who cares, right?”

The graduates remained glued to their seats, enthralled by their hero.

“Take a hint! Don’t you know I can’t afford to be seen with a bunch of pathetic losers like you? Seriously, what kind of idiot shovels out a wheel barrow full of dough for a lame get-rich-quick course? Are you kidding me?”

When the graduates still didn’t move, Trump tried another tack.

“I’m thinking about starting a graduate school. For another forty grand you can learn how to turn your dad’s millions into billions. Is that a tremendous idea or what?”

Trump soaked up the love as the cheering graduates leapt to their feet, shouted “Trump U!” and threw their wallets at him.