Congressman: God Told Me “Thou Shalt Not Stand Up for LGBT Rights”

Actual Photo of God Dunking

Republican Congressman Rick Allen of Georgia said today that God told him his colleagues who voted in favor of anti-discrimination protections for LGBT workers are doomed to burn in hell. Speaking to reporters on the Capitol steps, Allen said his personal relationship with God led him to condemn many of his fellow Republicans.

“God talks to me. We had lunch yesterday and He told me it’s an abomination for men to have sexual relations with men and women to have sexual relations with women, unless they’re eighteen to twenty year-old Swedish girls with Grateful Dead tattoos. God’s a deadhead. Also, God told me buttons are the devil’s zipper, don’t feed your ox out of a wooden pail and the road to hell is paved with two-ply toilet paper.”

The Congressman went on to explain God’s feelings on other issues.

“God told me he hates taxes, ball bearings, kale, foreigners, poor people, season two of Full House, the EPA, scented candles, Hillary Clinton, Tupperware, Indian food and professional hockey. And by the way, that whole ‘golden rule’ thing isn’t really God’s cup of tea anymore. Nowadays it’s every man for himself. God’s a Republican.”