Harry Whittington of Austin, Texas had an unexpected encounter with evil this morning when he stepped onto his front porch and was attacked by a pumpkin that bore a striking resemblance to former Vice President and Honorary Prince of Darkness Dick Cheney. Whittington, the same man Cheney shot in the face in 2006, told his strange tale to a reporter for The Austin Monitor.
“I woke up at 5 o’clock and heard a loud THUMP THUMP THUMP coming from downstairs. It sounded like someone banging on my door. I threw on my robe, went down and opened the door, but no one was there. I was about to blame Obama when I saw this pumpkin coming at me. It just sort of rolled up and started dry humping my leg! Well let me tell you, I don’t appreciate that sort of behavior coming from a dog, much less a fruit. Then I saw blood on my sock! The pumpkin had managed to grind it’s stem to a sharp point and it was stabbing me in the damn foot!”
Whittington took fast action to neutralize the threat.
“I grabbed the pumpkin, hauled it into the kitchen and used a butcher knife to saw through the stem. That’s when I noticed it looked exactly like that son of a bitch Dick Cheney! Don’t think that didn’t bring up some bad memories.”
A retired attorney and longtime republican mover and shaker, Whittington admitted the experience has changed his perspective.
“A man shoots you in the face and calls it an accident, you take him at his word. Now I’m not so sure. If you ask me, that damn pumpkin ought to be in jail.”