Paul Ryan Re-Endorses Trump

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Actual Photo of Paul Ryan Appearing Resolved

Donald Trump picked up a key re-endorsement this morning when House Speaker Paul Ryan announced that, after previously endorsing and then un-endorsing Trump, he is once again backing the Republican nominee. According to Ryan, his re-endorsement is part of a normal process that will ultimately result in Trump winning the White House.

“Look, after Donald Trump said that because Judge Gonzalo Curiel is a Mexican he is not qualified to preside over the Trump U. lawsuit, I made it clear I would not support a politician who blatantly uses race to divide Americans. At that time, my decision was the correct one. But that was yesterday. Now, Mr. Trump has said he will no longer discuss the issue, which obviously means it’s time for us all to move on. That’s why I’m re-endorsing Donald Trump for President. Besides, America has more pressing concerns than the question of whether the Republican nominee is a racist. It’s not like that question hasn’t already been answered, you know.”

Ryan sought to downplay the perception that his re-endorsement was tepid at best, despite the fact that he made his announcement to Lori Caparini, a Chevron station mini-mart clerk in Janesville, Wisconsin, while paying for a pack of bubble gum and a carton of lactose free milk.

“Let me be clear. I stand behind Donald Trump one-hundred percent. Can I get five dollars on number eight please?”