NRA Expresses “Sympathy” to Victims of Gun Violence

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Actual Photo of Wayne LaPierre “Sympathizing”

In a conference call with supporters yesterday, National Rifle Association spokesman Wayne LaPierre expressed his “sympathy” for the victims of the horrific Orlando massacre.

“I want to begin by saying how terrible the NRA feels about Orlando, Aurora, Columbine, Newtown, San Bernardino, Colorado Springs, Charleston, Minneapolis, Oak Creek, Tucson, Tucson again, Manchester, Omaha, Salt Lake City, Atlanta, Chattanooga, Brookfield, Roseburg, Blacksburg, Edmond, San Ysidro, Binghampton, Santa Monica, Huntsville, etcetera, etcetera. Really, pick any place in America and the NRA feels awful about the mass shooting that happened there. We wish we knew how to prevent these tragedies but we can’t come up with an answer, no matter how hard we ignore the facts.”

LaPierre didn’t stop there.

“My point is the second amendment guarantees each of us the right to own handguns, rifles, shotguns, uzis, AR-15s, rocket propelled grenades, bazookas and Apache attack helicopters. This is America, for God’s sake! Every law abiding citizen deserves an Apache attack helicopter.”

Sadly, during the course of the conference call, nineteen of the twenty-three participants lost their lives to gun violence, a fact LaPierre acknowledged.

“I want to say thank you to those who perished for our cause today. I haven’t the faintest idea what caused all of these totally unrelated deaths, but your sacrifices will not be forgotten. Which brings me to our next topic: let’s talk membership drive!”