House GOP to Honor NRA with Targeted Moments of Silence


Actual Photo of the Place Where Common Sense Goes to Die

In the wake of the mass shooting at an Orlando gay nightclub last weekend, House Republicans will observe targeted moments of silence to demonstrate their respect for the National Rifle Association. The first such moment of silence will take place today when Democrats try once again to introduce legislation to prohibit people on the terrorist watch list from purchasing firearms. House Speaker Paul Ryan explained the reasoning behind the tactic.

“Look, House tradition requires we observe moments of silence following tragic events, and over the last few years we’ve gotten pretty good at that. Now, we plan to adhere to that sacred tradition while simultaneously making sure no one infringes on the second amendment rights of so called ‘terrorists.’ We think it’s sort of the right thing to do.”

Ryan showed little sympathy for Democrats who oppose efforts by the NRA to expand gun rights.

“When Democrats say they want to prevent terrorists from buying guns, what they really mean is they want to prevent ‘terrorists’ from buying guns. That’s not America, that’s ‘Canada’, or ‘England’ or any of those other old-fashioned countries where they kill each other one at a time. Democrats are totally unsympathetic to the plight of the NRA. Every time a mass mur- uh, a wholesale slaught- uh, a sizeable end-of-life event occurs, the NRA gets the blame.”

Ryan choked up a little at the thought of a well armed militia protecting America from the Redcoats.

“My friend Wayne LaPierre is right when he points out that the founding fathers crafted the Constitution in a way that says gun rights are human rights. That’s why Republicans are fighting for the right of every American to own the arsenal of their choice, from cradle to early grave.”