God nearly let His temper get the better of Him today when the He addressed the homophobic remarks made by Roger Jiminez, a Baptist minister in Sacramento, California, who applauded the massacre of 49 people at Pulse, the gay Orlando nightclub. Appearing in the shimmering form of a 16 year-old, sandy haired Huntington Beach surfer named Rick, the Supreme Being spoke to members of the press.
“I’ve mellowed a lot since I had a kid and it’s been a long time since I’ve done any serious Old Testament smiting, but this dude! In the olden days, I woulda thrown around some radical thunder and lightning and Mr. Jiminez woulda woke up with a couple of parts missing. Anyways, I want to make sure everybody knows Roger Jiminez is no bro of mine.”
The longer He spoke, the clearer it became that God’s wrath for Roger Jiminez was just the tip of the iceberg.
“While I’m on the subject, there are a whole bunch of haters out there who are no bros of God. I’m talking to you, Mike Huckabee. Here’s a hint: some schmuck says he speaks for me while in the same breath he spouts bigotry and hatred, he probably doesn’t speak for me. And just because twenty centuries ago somebody wrote down some weird-ass stupid stuff, that doesn’t mean I said it. People, two thousand year-old parchment is like the Internet; don’t believe everything you read there.