Bernie Sanders to Go Through 37 Stages of Grief


Actual Photo of Bernie Sanders Before the Invention of Color

Bernie Sanders announced this week that he will go through 37 stages of grief on his way to accepting his defeat by Hillary Clinton in the Democratic Presidential primary. In an interview that aired on C-SPAN so as to attract as little attention as possible, the Vermont Senator yelled how he expects to come to terms with his heartbreaking loss.

“It doesn’t appear that I’m going to be the nominee, which pisses me off! Now I have to deal with these 37 stages! It’s a process! But at the end of the day, I expect the Democratic party to rally around our nominee, whose name I look forward to saying without involuntarily twitching! Does somebody have a paper bag? I think I’m hyperventilating!”

Sanders went on to list a few of the 37 stages.

“Anger! Denial! More anger! Bargaining! Depression! Itching! More anger! What is that, twelve? Spitting! Running as a third party candidate! Ironing my pants! Again with the denial! A hot bath! Pretending I’m a coffee can full of walnuts! Blaming Canada! Shopping! Yelling! More anger! Waxing! Building half a sun deck! Light trimming! Reincarnation! Disgust! And finally, putting a potato in the dishwasher!”

Asked if losing the nomination was akin to losing a loved one, Sanders paused for a moment of quiet introspection.

“Shut up!”