Republican Convention: Hookers Out, Guns In

Actual Photo of Frightened Balloons

Party officials planning the Republican National Convention confirmed today that firearms will be mandatory for all attendees. Convention Chairman Paul Ryan (NRA, WI) says the decision to require guns was made after hookers announced they would boycott the convention.

“Look, we’re the 2nd amendment party. It would be hypocritical of us to throw this big shindig and not invite guns. Besides, without hookers, delegates are going to need to blow off some steam. What better release than firing a few rounds into the air to celebrate our party’s nominee, whom I support wholeheartedly but whose name escapes me, though I’m pretty sure it sounds a lot like general election bloodbath.”

At least one convention goer was elated to hear the news.

“Yes! God bless Paul Ryan! I wasn’t gonna make it a week in Cleveland without hookers. Now, when they do the balloon drop, Daddy’s going semi-automatic! BLAM BLAM BLAM! Of course, the challenge is to shoot the red and blue balloons without hitting the whites. BLAM!”

Shortly after Ryan’s announcement, representatives of all the major television networks confirmed they will be covering the convention gavel to gavel, without commercial interruption. A source close to one network executive explained his boss’ thinking.

“Are you kidding me? A convention floor packed with horny, gun-toting, redneck knuckleheads? That’s great television!”