Planet X-IT! Brits Double Down on Independence Day!

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Actual Photo of Planet Earth

Just when you thought things couldn’t get much wackier in Great Britain, they did. The world woke up this 4th of July morning to the news that, by a two-to-one margin, the British have declared their own independence by voting to leave Planet Earth. Planet X-IT comes on the heels of the Brits’ Brexit vote to cut ties with the European Union. A spokesperson for David Cameron summed up the British Prime Minister’s reaction to the vote.

“The PM will make no public appearances today, as it would be unseemly for him to stand before the British people crying like a baby. The voters have spoken and they have made the Prime Minister cry. Like a baby. A tiny little baby. Let me be clear: the PM’s stiff upper lift has taken to quivering like a bowl of barely congealed, bloody blood pudding.”

With world leaders at a loss to understand how Planet X-IT came about, British government officials scrambled to make sense of the insane wishes of the overwhelming majority of their countrymen. Lord Nigel Huffeston Wickersley Wickerseley, Minister of Domestic Explanation and Strategic Oversimplifiction, struggled to see a path forward.

“Right! I suppose I should say there’s nothing for it except to square our shoulders, put our backs into it and carry on to the bitter end. But, to be perfectly blunt, I for one do not look forward to a life spent on Mars or Venus or some other godforsaken world with 65 million people, two thirds of whom are absolute ninnies! As a British citizen, I can tell you July 4th has just become even more detestable and putrid. I’m sorry, but I’m a bit miffed.”

Planet X-IT is expected to result in global gains in stock prices as markets react positively to the news that we can all finally stop caring about the royal family.