Despite the fact that Donald Trump has been their presumptive nominee for several weeks, republican leaders have been reluctant to endorse him or anyone else for president. Not anymore. Republicans have finally settled on the man they believe should be the next leader of the free world: Imaginary Donald Trump. From Marco Rubio to Nikki Haley to Newt Gingrich, republicans of all stripes are lining up behind the man they want sitting in the Oval Office on January 20th, 2017. And for every republican backing Imaginary Donald Trump, there seems to be unique reason for doing so.
Marco Rubio: I’m one-hundred percent behind Imaginary Donald Trump. He’s got the brains, the guts and the savvy to make America imaginarily great again. More importantly, he’s doesn’t pick on short, thirsty, second generation Cuban American senators.
Paul Ryan: Look, I don’t agree with most of the stuff Real Donald Trump says, but Imaginary Donald Trump, that’s a different story. I think it’s safe to say Imaginary Donald Trump is a lot like Imaginary Mitt Romney, only more handsome.
Ted Cruz: I imagine he likes me.
Nikki Haley: Imaginary Donald Trump doesn’t have a racist bone in her imaginary body. Also, she’s one of my closest imaginary friends.
Newt Gingrich: Imagine me as Imaginary Donald Trump’s Imaginary Vice-President! Somebody young, beautiful and willing to participate in an open marriage pinch me! Lower, please.
Ben Carson: If you ask me, Imaginary Donald Trump freed the slaves, saved the Union and probably hates the theatre.
Newt Gingrich: Lower. A little lower. Yep.
Asked about the general election viability of Imaginary Donald Trump versus Real Donald Trump, Mitch McConnell summed up his party’s sentiments.
“Imaginary Donald Trump has a lot of great qualities but he comes up a little short in the existence department. On the other hand, Real Donald Trump is a real a-hole. If I have to pick, I’ll go with Historically Inaccurate Ronald Reagan. He was the greatest president this country never had.”