Bernie Sanders has finally endorsed Hillary Clinton. Sort of. Taking his cue from Republican leaders who recently endorsed Imaginary Donald Trump, Sanders announced this morning that he is supporting Imaginary Hillary Clinton for president.
“I’m proud to yell to you today that I stand with Imaginary Hillary Clinton! America needs the kind of leadership Imaginary Hillary Clinton will provide! Imaginary Hillary Clinton is an honest, principled, old Jewish man who doesn’t even know how to open a classified email, much less send one! She can roast a 14 pound turkey on a hot plate, she owns two pairs of boxer shorts and she can’t wait to make college tuition free, not only for kids, but for their pets, too! Imagine an America where cats and dogs have degrees in Chemistry, English Literature, Physics! On second thought, maybe not Physics! Never trust a cat with a laser! Cats are insane! They’re nuts!”
Sanders had a thoughtful answer for anyone concerned that his endorsement of Imaginary Hillary might hurt Real Hillary’s chances in November.
“That’s the point! Reality is not my strong suit! Who wants turkey?!!”