Bernie Sanders did a complete about face today when he withdrew his recent endorsement of Imaginary Hillary Clinton in order to endorse Real Hillary Clinton. Sanders yelled his announcement while gnawing on the leg of a 14 pound turkey he roasted on a hot plate.
“Delicious! Nothing like a hot-plate-roasted turkey leg to make a man feel late middle-aged again! Listen up! I’m breaking all the rules! I’m doing a complete one-eighty! I’m flipping a big fat u-ey! Why did I switch my endorsement from Imaginary Hillary to Real Hillary?! I can’t believe I just asked such a stupid question! Imaginary Hillary doesn’t stand a chance! She slurps her soup! She wears an eye patch and plays the accordion! She’s a habitual alphabetizer!”
Sanders argued that Real Hillary Clinton has earned his endorsement.
“The woman caved! She caved on the $15 dollar minimum wage, free college and universal health care! I’m in her head! Five bucks and half a turkey leg says she looks in the mirror tomorrow morning and sees me staring back at her! BOO!!! But scaring the pee out of the next President of the United States is small potatoes after she stole the nomination from me fair and square! So that’s it, I give up! All I can do now is encourage everyone to join me in enthusiastically settling! Hillary 2016! I hate myself!”