Republicans Undergo Root Canals to Get out of Attending Convention

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Actual Photo of Paul Ryan Avoiding Cleveland

These days, it seems nobody wants to go to Cleveland. Desperate to avoid being seen anywhere near Donald Trump, Republican power players can’t be blamed for looking for any excuse to stay away from their party’s convention in Cleveland next week. Sadly, the excuse some have settled on is a doozy. Oral surgeons from  Mississippi to Wisconsin are reporting an uptick in elective root canals among party notables. Dr. Stuart Schell told thefloydspin his office on the outskirts of Green Bay got a surprise visitor yesterday.

“I’ve never seen anything like it. Paul Ryan came into my office begging me to perform a root canal on a perfectly good bi-rooted first bicuspid. I asked him why and he said he figured a root canal on that tooth would take him out of action for 7-10 days. You have to give him credit, the man does his homework. Anyway, when I told him I have an ethical problem with unnecessary oral surgery he began to sob uncontrollably. What could I do? I had the Speaker of the House crying his eyes out in my waiting room. It’s terrifying to think a man could be driven to such extremes. On the other hand, he did pay cash.”

Paul Ryan isn’t the only Republican who finds himself in a pickle these days. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was spotted in the hallway outside his office this morning sporting a cast on his left arm and a swollen face. McConnell explained to reporters that the arm had been caught between a rock and a hard place and his swollen face was “just to be on the safe side.” When a reporter asked McConnell whether he would be in Cleveland next week, the Senator shrugged.

“I’d give a kidney to be there, if I hadn’t already lost it in a tragic boating accident tomorrow.”

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