U.S. Secedes from Texas!

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Actual Photo of the Texas Flag Blowing

The United States of America surprised Texas yesterday by seceding from the Lone Star State. The move was supported by citizens across the nation who are fed up with Texans constantly complaining that their sovereignty is being trampled by the federal government. For their part, Texans reacted with their characteristic well-mannered sophistication, as typified by Governor Greg Abbott.

“Get ready to shoot somebody, Texas! I hereby declare every citizen of our new country who voted for me in the last election to be an honorary Texas Ranger, the kind that shoots somebody, not the kind that’s leading the American League West by eight-and-a-half games. So grab your guns, get in your cars and drive to the nearest U.S. border, in case they change their minds and try to take us back. And if you don’t have a car, remember the Alamo! Or Hertz. Or Enterprise. Whatever’s cheapest.”

A spokesman for the federal government assured Texans that the United States was not having second thoughts.

“As far as we’re concerned, it’s over. We learned a lot from our relationship with Texas and we hope to remain friends, but if they think we’re going to come running back to them they need to check their ten gallon hats for leaks. And for the record, we broke up with Texas, not the other way around. Hey, now all our exes really are living in Texas!”

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