Mitch McConnell called the Senate back from summer break and into emergency session this morning to fund the Center for Disease Control’s efforts to fight the Zika virus after the Senate Majority Leader discovered a mosquito bite on his nose. McConnell’s surprise move, which came at a time when partisan bickering has kept Congress from taking the necessary steps to prevent the virus from gaining a foothold in the U.S., reinforced the narrative that politicians are big, fat, out of touch wusses. Speaking to reporters from behind a mosquito net, McConnell blamed the President.
“Thanks, Obama! If the President had done as Republicans asked and called in airstrikes on South American swamps to stem the flow of illegal mosquitoes crossing the border, there wouldn’t be an itchy bump on my nose right now. This is another example of a feckless president ignoring the flood of illegal mosquito immigration. Some of these mosquitoes are criminals, some are rapists and, sure, some are good mosquitoes, but we can’t afford to take that chance. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to give an inspirational speech on the floor of the Senate praising myself for bravely letting fear force me to do the right thing.”
McConnell, who took elaborate steps last week to get out of going to The Republican National Convention, paused to lament the timing of his mosquito mishap.
“Talk about bad luck! If this had happened a few days ago I’d be walking around with two healthy kidneys right now!”