President Obama declared martial law this morning after last night’s speakers at the Republican National Convention scared the crap out of him. In a statement released from the President’s fortified bunker 500 feet below the Lincoln Memorial, Obama called on Americans to brace themselves for dark days ahead.
“My fellow Americans, after tuning in to the Republican Convention last night and hearing Rudy Giuliani and Chachi and some soap opera star and that guy from Duck Dynasty all blaming Hillary for causing the end of the world by next Saturday, I concluded America sucks and it’s my fault. Therefore, I have decided to impose martial law until America can figure out how not to explode. I urge everyone to remain calm in the face of certain doom and show the same kind of pluck Melania Trump showed last night when she, uh, borrowed Michelle’s speech from the 2008 Democratic Convention.”
Donald Trump applauded the President’s decision but took issue with the notion that his wife plagiarized the First Lady.
“Those were Melania’s words, which Michelle retroactively stole from her using some kind of Islamic terrorist time machine. Shame on Michelle! Anyway, it’s about time Barack Hussein O’Loser did something right. America is going down the toilet, but when I’m President I’ll make America great again by plugging up that toilet with a big fat wad of Trump! Trumpwad 2016! America needs a leader who’s got what it takes to clog a toilet!”