A reporter for thefloydspin’s Moscow Bureau recently caught sight of Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin sharing a romantic evening at a restaurant a block away from Red Square. While there have long been rumors of a special relationship between the two men, this is the first time a member of the press has been able to confirm the true nature of the relationship by capturing their entire dinner conversation with a tape recorder cleverly disguised as a salad.
Putin: We toast! To friendship between two great peoples!
Trump: To Russians and white Americans!
Putin: Now, why you have asked me to dinner, Donald? Not to say I need excuse to look deep into your eyes as I chew with great purpose.
Trump: You’re not eating your salad, Vlad.
Putin: Salad is for Pussy Riot.
Trump: I want your advice on how to beat Hillary. Hacking her email might not be enough.
Putin: Is simple. You destroy Clinton the way you destroy other man.
Trump: She’s not a-
Putin: You fix election, then you-
Trump: I wish! But voter I.D. laws only take you so far.
Putin: Nyet! Voter I.D. is for Ukrainians and Pussy Riot! Crush opponent. Imprison him! Torture him! Make him to listen over and over to Bee Gees Cucumber Castle album, side two!
Trump: Ouch! You are one sadistic bastard!
Putin: Thank you. Now, who is strongest, richest, biggest muscles ruler in world?
Trump: I am!
Putin: No, I am!
Trump: No, I am!
Putin: I make proposal.
Trump: Oh, Vlad!
Putin: Not that proposal.
Putin: You win election and tell NATO to take hike. Also give to me Pittsburgh Penguins and Miley Cyrus and then you get to be strongest, richest, biggest muscles ruler.
Trump: I’ll drink to that! Here’s to the Art of the Deal!
Putin: Nyet! Here is to us! Donald, I think this is beginning of beautiful friendship.