Putin and Trump Secretly Dating

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Actual Photo of Vladimir Putin on His Daily Commute

A reporter for thefloydspin’s Moscow Bureau recently caught sight of Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin sharing a romantic evening at a restaurant a block away from Red Square. While there have long been rumors of a special relationship between the two men, this is the first time a member of the press has been able to confirm the true nature of the relationship by capturing their entire dinner conversation with a tape recorder cleverly disguised as a salad.

Putin: We toast! To friendship between two great peoples!

Trump: To Russians and white Americans!

Putin: Now, why you have asked me to dinner, Donald? Not to say I need excuse to look deep into your eyes as I chew with great purpose.

Trump: You’re not eating your salad, Vlad.

Putin: Salad is for Pussy Riot.

Trump: I want your advice on how to beat Hillary. Hacking her email might not be enough.

Putin: Is simple. You destroy Clinton the way you destroy other man.

Trump: She’s not a-

Putin: You fix election, then you-

Trump: I wish! But voter I.D. laws only take you so far.

Putin: Nyet! Voter I.D. is for Ukrainians and Pussy Riot! Crush opponent. Imprison him! Torture him! Make him to listen over and over to Bee Gees Cucumber Castle album, side two!

Trump: Ouch! You are one sadistic bastard!

Putin: Thank you. Now, who is strongest, richest, biggest muscles ruler in world?

Trump: I am!

Putin: No, I am!

Trump: No, I am!

Putin: I make proposal.

Trump: Oh, Vlad!

Putin: Not that proposal.

Trump: Oh.

Putin: You win election and tell NATO to take hike. Also give to me Pittsburgh Penguins and Miley Cyrus and then you get to be strongest, richest, biggest muscles ruler.

Trump: I’ll drink to that! Here’s to the Art of the Deal!

Putin: Nyet! Here is to us! Donald, I think this is beginning of beautiful friendship.