#TrumpSacrifices His Immortal Soul

Actual Photo of Donald Trump’s Immortal Soul

It didn’t take long for Donald Trump to hit upon the perfect response to criticism that he has never sacrificed anything for anyone. In a hastily arranged news conference this aftenoon, Trump sacrificed his immortal soul as he attacked Khizr Khan, a man whose son posthumously received a Purple Heart and a Bronze Star after he was killed in Iraq saving the lives of his fellow soldiers. After implying that Khan had prevented his wife from speaking at the Democratic National Convention Thursday night, Trump listed his own sacrifices.

“Sure, I’ve sacrificed. I’ve made terrific sacrifices. Sacrifices like you wouldn’t believe. I gave up dairy. I stopped listening. I haven’t re-married in God knows how long. Nowadays I limit myself to soft porn. I’ve been nice to black people for two, three days in a row. And I stopped bathing in Dom Perignon, except on Thursdays. What do you want from me? A humble, brilliant, incredibly huge-handed billionaire can only sacrifice so much!”

Trump then tried to turn the tables on his critics, including his rival for the White House.

“Sacrifice is overrated. If you really want to make a difference, promise to donate to veterans’ causes and then forget what you did with your checkbook. I’ll bet crooked Hillary never thought of that one.”

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