Clinton Waterboards Kitten; Trump Shoots Family of Four

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Actual Photo of the Tragic Aftermath of Trump’s Shooting Spree

Hillary Clinton can’t lose, no matter how hard she tries. This morning, in an effort to wrestle the spotlight from Donald Trump, Clinton posted a YouTube video of her waterboarding a kitten, only to be upstaged by a video of Donald Trump using a gold-plated ak-47 to mow down a family of four in the parking lot of an ice cream parlor in Lower Manhattan. A Clinton campaign aide told thefloydspin how Clinton’s reaction to Trump’s video speaks volumes about the candidate’s inner strength.

“She was pissed! Secretary Clinton yanked the television out of the wall and threw it out of the 11th floor window at campaign headquarters in Brooklyn. And we’re not talking some lightweight hi-def flat screen. Oh no, this was an 80 pound zenith, a vacuum tube behemoth like the one your mom keeps in the guest room. In case you haven’t noticed, Secretary Clinton is a smidge behind on technology. Anyway, after she got that out of her system, she took a breath and asked for a moment of silence for the kitten and the family of the unlucky mailman out on the sidewalk. Oh, and she felt pretty bad about the ice cream thing, too.”

As for the Trump video, the pride of the Republican party called in to Fox and Friends to head off criticism that the slaughter of a mom and a dad and two kids may have constituted a tactical misstep.

“Before the lying liberal media starts spinning more lies about me, I want to make it clear, that gun was made in America by a guy in Maine who I’m not going to pay because he didn’t gold plate the bullets. I specifically asked for gold plated bullets. Did you see those bullets? Lead. Very sad.”

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