Donald Trump is crazy, crazy strong that is. In an impressive demonstration of physical prowess, the 70 year-old business mogul proved this morning that he is the biggest, baddest, testosteronest candidate when he stunned reporters by lifting a 30,000 pound party bus and tossing it into the Grand Canyon. Tragically, the message Trump was trying to convey, that he is manlier than Hillary Clinton, was drowned out when it was discovered the campaign staffer who organized the stunt forgot to make sure no one was inside the bus. News coverage of the demise of forty-two Las Vegas bound grandmas was met, in typical Trump fashion, with an indictment of the media.
“Figures. I show everybody how much more virile I am than Deathbed Hillary and all you people want to talk about is ‘terrible human toll’ this and ‘screaming busload of horror’ that. I can’t catch a break. You know, people are always telling me how much they secretly hate their grandmas. Why can’t we have a national conversation about how everybody hates grandmas? Life Support Hillary is a grandma. Why can’t we talk about that?”
In a move illustrative of the campaign’s new rapid response strategy, freshly minted campaign manager Kellyanne Conway stood next to Trump and clarified the candidate’s remarks as he spoke.
“Obviously, Mr.Trump loves grandmas and is heartbroken that a tragedy like this has occurred on Bus Driver Hillary’s watch. Mr. Trump mourns the death of these wrinkled, white haired, broken down bags of hugs, kisses and chocolate chip cookies, but he places the blame squarely where it belongs, on the back of Grandma Murderer Hillary, a woman who makes the Marquis de Sade look like Captain Kangaroo.”
Efforts to reach the crash site were hampered by rough terrain and thousands and thousands of nickels.