Donald Trump to Humanely Deport 11 Million

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Actual Photo of Donald Trump’s Version of a Good Mexican

Donald Trump has a soft spot for Hispanics. The presidential hopeful has promised to take a civilized approach to rounding up millions of undocumented immigrants and kicking them out of the country. Concerned that his proposal to rip communities and families apart has hurt him with the Hispanic community, Trump gave a speech today in Akron, Ohio to a crowd of angry white people about how good he will be for the brown people the angry white people are angry at.

“The Mexicans love me. The good ones do. They know that when I round up their cousins, their grandparents, their parents, their aunts, their pets, their uncles, their brothers and sisters, their overly tanned white friends and all the ones who make their own salsa, I’ll be doing it out of love. I will make sure only love is in the heart of every immigration enforcement official whose job it is to tase the crap out of the bad Mexicans. I personally am full of love for good Mexicans of all nationalities, be it Mexico, El Salvador, Tijuana, Puerto Rico, Guantanamo, New Mexico, Santa Monica, wherever. I’m like the Mexican Gandhi of Mexicans. Except I’m white, I’m filthy rich and I don’t associate with blue collar criminals and rapists.”

Trump had words of comfort for Hispanics afraid they could be swept away in a tidal wave of indiscriminate discrimination.

“People ask me, ‘How can you tell the difference between a good Mexican and a bad Mexican?’ Easy, the good Mexicans all look like Penelope Cruz. The bad ones, closer to Lou Diamond Phillips.”

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