Trump Won’t Release Medical Records, Cites Ongoing “Audit”

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Actual X-ray of a Very Small Hand

Appearing on the Dr. Oz Show this morning, Donald Trump backed away from his promise to release his medical records, claiming the records are under audit and therefore will be kept private until the audit is complete. Trump became defensive when Dr. Oz asked him what an audit of a person’s medical records is meant to discover.

“Do I look like a doctor? Although I’m told I would make a fantastic doctor, by some very smart people, but the point is I’m the healthiest man on Earth, or any other country. I can lift a luxury sedan with my ring finger and I have terrific sex five, ten, fifteen times a day. Believe me, I have the body of a 21 year-old and my brain, so smart. Do you want to see my penis?”

Dr. Oz, whose well-earned reputation as America’s Quack stems from his support for miracle cures that only work on him, seemed confused by Trump’s use of complex medical terminology.

“What’s a penis?”

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