Cruz Endorses Trump, Then Gets out of the House

Actual Photo of Ted Cruz’s “Sincere” Face

Ted Cruz endorsed Donald Trump today, telling thefloydspin his former rival’s history as a bully, a liar and a philanderer are attributes that will help make Trump a great president.

“Look, when I called Donald Trump all those names, it was in the heat of battle and I was trying to portray his strengths as weaknesses. It’s the classic campaign ploy. When your competitor calls your wife ugly, says your father killed Kennedy and savagely belittles you and everyone you love, you have to pretend his actions are despicable, no matter how much you admire his spunk. But now that Donald is the nominee I’m free to acknowledge the obvious: this man is everything I aspire to be. Sure, I’ve always tried to treat people like crap, but my friend Donald Trump has turned treating people like crap into an art form. Bravo!”

Asked whether he will be out on the trail campaigning for Trump between now and November, Cruz looked to be chomping at the bit.

“Trust me, I don’t want to be anywhere near my house for quite some time.”

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