Have gun, will unravel. Hoping to distract from the uproar over a 2005 recording of lewd comments he made about women, Donald Trump shot someone today on 5th Avenue in New York City. And in a perversely satisfying twist, the person Trump shot turned out to be the one person who has championed Trump’s candidacy more than any other, Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican Party. Priebus, who had been on his way to a debate practice session with Trump, was taken by ambulance to New York-Presbyterian Hospital where he was listed in stable condition with a gunshot wound and dangerously low integrity. Priebus spoke to thefloydspin from his hospital bed via Skype.
“Donald Trump is a genius! He’s reminded the American people of what’s really important in this election. Now the news media will be forced to confront the truth: Donald Trump shooting me is a much bigger story than Donald Trump saying disgusting things about grabbing women’s girlie parts. He already proved he can shoot someone on 5th Avenue and not lose support. Win win! Donald Trump will be our next president and I’d say that even if I weren’t here floating in lake demerol sipping on a demerol cocktail while licking the demerol icing off a demerol cupcake. More demerol!”
Shortly after the shooting Trump tweeted his sincere apology: