Julian Assange’s Porn Habit Too Much for Ecuadorians

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Actual Photo of a Tanned Julian Assange

We now know the real reason the Ecuadorian embassy in London cut off WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange’s internet access: Assange’s nasty porn habit. An embassy spokesman told thefloydspin Assange spends most of his spare time on internet porn sites.

“Yes, we at first implied we were stepping in to prevent Mr. Assange from tampering with the U.S. election, but the truth is he’s hooked on porn. He locks himself in his room and spends hours surfing the web and screaming ‘Bonzai!’ at the top of his lungs. Then he emerges bleary-eyed, demanding a Snickers bar and a tube of SPF 200 sunblock. We’re in England. There is no sun in England! And you should see the sites he goes to. We’re talking hairynakedladiesnamedWendy.com, hotyoungchickenspeckingcornporn.com, monkeytongue.com, whatever that is, and a site that shows biscuits sopping up gravy in some very disturbing places. The man’s a pig.”

The source also expressed disgust over Assange’s spending habits.

“He uses E-bay to buy pallets of latex gloves and 30 weight motor oil. Non-detergent. Ick. We call him Dr. Strassangeglove.”

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