Clinton Rigs Election!

Actual Photo of a Rigged Bat

Donald Trump is right – the game is rigged. Hacked emails from Hillary Clinton’s campaign chairman have uncovered the smoking gun that could upend the election. In an email last March to Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling, John Podesta reached out to Rowling for advice on how to use magic to steal the election. Rowling’s reply to Podesta is sure to bolster Trump’s claim that Clinton will do anything to win.

“Regarding your inquiry, Mr. Podesta, Secretary Clinton should make use of the voterius riggemuppus spell. This spell requires the candidate to go on Meet the Press, bite off the head of a South American fruit bat, spit it out and scream, ‘TASTES LIKE BAT!’ Then she must flap her arms about like an exuberant chicken, all while dialing a nearby pizza establishment to order a large pepperoni and earthworm pizza on thin crust. This is a critical point – she MUST call using a land line. If she uses a cellular phone, a South American fruit bat becomes the next president of the United States and Bernie Sanders is vice president, which would be bonkers, even for America.”

A source close to Secretary Clinton assured thefloydspin that while the candidate often bites the heads off South American fruit bats, it’s just for fun.

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