Comey Launches Investigationpalooza

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Actual Photo of Kim Kardashian Hiding Her Suspiciously Perky Butt

FBI Director James Comey dropped another bombshell today when he announced he will investigate Hillary Clinton’s roles in 9/11, Watergate, Whitewater, Whitewatergate, Global Warminggate, Global Coolinggate and Kim Kardashian’s suspiciously perky buttgate. Comey spoke to thefloydspin from the trunk of a 2008 Hyundai Elantra parked under the undisclosed bridge shown in the opening credits of the Netflix series House of Cards.

“I’m trying to cover all my bases here. Yes, I’m aware multiple investigations of possibly potential allegedly probable likely unlikely criminal activity on the part of Secretary Clinton may be misunderstood by some, but I have no choice. When I found out I was the one who leaked news of the possiblly potential alleged Huma Abedin emails, I felt compelled to change the subject by leaking news of other, more sensational investigations. I’m pretty sure this will undo the damage I did by causing damage of a splashier, more damaging sort. Hey, did you know the trunk of the 2008 Hyundai Elantra is lined with some truly high quality felt?”

Comey told thefloydspin if these new investigations fail to quiet the bi-partisan criticism he has faced in the last few days, he’ll be forced to look into other, more disturbing allegations.

“I’m almost certain the Russian hack of Clinton’s campaign emails is directly linked to the Clinton campaign email hack and I won’t rest until the day before the election when I announce my investigation into how that connection causes acne. Justice will be served!”

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