James Comey can’t win. After the FBI director came under fire for announcing a slew of new investigations targeting Hillary Clinton, critics on both sides of the political spectrum accused him of parking his posterior on the scales of democracy. Now, with the election less than a week away, the FBI has released documents related to a controversial presidential pardon issued by Bill Clinton in 2001. Comey explained his actions to thefloydspin from the trunk of a stolen 2015 Chevy Spark parked at an undisclosed Denny’s in Washington D.C.
“I’m so relieved! Now that we’ve released the Mark Rich pardon documents, the FBI’s sterling reputation will be restored. I have to admit I was afraid people were beginning to think I was trying to swing the election by investigating criminally criminal Clinton emails I haven’t seen. But the Bill Clinton pardon documents will reassure everyone that the FBI isn’t out to get Hillary Clinton. It’s Bill Clinton we can’t stand! Did you know the trunk of the 2015 Chevy Spark smells like burnt jelly beans?”
Comey refused to comment on the FBI investigation into possible ties between Donald Trump’s campaign and Russia.
“The FBI has a longstanding policy of not talking about stuff that might hurt Donald Trump. That said, we’re combing through the dumpster behind Clinton’s Brooklyn headquarters to see if she’s personally responsible for ties between the Trump campaign and Russia. I can’t comment on that investigation except to say Hillary Clinton is personally responsible for ties between the Trump campaign and Russia. Also, she eats too much pizza.”