FBI director James Comey can’t help himself. In an unprecedented series of election day stunners this morning, Comey sent Congress 5 letters relating to the on again, off again probe into Hillary Clinton’s emails. Following are excerpts from all five letters.
1. 11/8/2016 7:14 A.M. Dear Congress, I’m writing to inform you of new evidence that will definitely result in criminal charges against Hillary Clinton. Boy is she in trouble! I’ve discovered a cache of emails containing nuclear secrets sent from Secretary Clinton’s private server to a stripper named Kelli Smoke in Santa Barbara, California.”
2. 11/8/16 7:22 A.M. Dear Congress, my bad! They turned out to be secret recipes for banana cream pie and crock pot chili sent to Chelsea Clinton. That’s the next to last time I trust a Breitbart story! On the other hand, be advised that while the email investigation is officially closed, I’m opening a brand new investigation. Who puts broccoli in their chili?!?!
3. 11/8/16 7:52 A.M. Hold up, Congress! The recipegate investigation has yielded a trove of evidence potentially devastating to Secretary Clinton. I’ve received information that only two kinds of people put broccoli in their chili: communist spies and people who really like broccoli. Stay tuned!
4. 11/8/16 7:59 A.M. Hey, Congress. Um, I just checked and I guess Hillary really likes broccoli. That sure came out of left field! Anyway, looks like she’s in the clear. But I am looking into her recipe for banana cream pie, which may contain subversive bananas. This may be pertinent to the previously closed but now maybe reopened email investigation. Fingers are crossed!
5. 11/8/16 8:02 A.M. Hi again, Congress. Okay, this whole banana cream pie thing has gotten way out of hand! Let me state unequivocally, the bananas in Hillary Clinton’s banana cream pie recipe, while they may violate the spirit of federal statutes, do not, strictly speaking, break the law. She’s so sneaky! Anyway, TTFN! Who else can’t wait to for this election to be over? CRAZY!!!