Actual Map of TrumpMerica!

This is really happening. In the wake of his stunning win, Donald Trump has confirmed he will actually take the oath of office and become the 45th president of the United States. Trump made his decision after he learned a president gets to tell people what to do and everybody kisses his ass. In an exclusive interview with thefloydspin, the President-elect savored the prospect of being in charge.

“I was just talking to Chris Christie and he told me the president gets to tell people what to do and everybody kisses his ass and much, much more important, he said the president has a bully pulpit. Win win!  I’m the greatest bully! And by the way, as your new president I want to say everybody will have a place in Trumpmerica. You like it? We’re changing the name. Of course the ‘Merica’ is silent. Now when I say ‘everybody’ I’m not counting the gays, the flat chested women, all the blacks not named Ben Carson, the Mexicans, Ben Carson, the Muslims, the poor people, the people without insurance, the people with insurance, Mark Cuban and California.”

Asked how his inflammatory campaign rhetoric will translate into actual governing, Trump was uncharacteristically pensive.

“Take a breath, TrumpMerica! It’s like the old saying: you campaign in Tweets, but you govern in gold pajamas. These next eight to twelve years are gonna be fun!”

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