President-elect Donald Trump wants top secret clearance for his fish. The pet, whom Trump has dubbed Mr. Goldfish, is said to have the president-elect’s ear in the foreign policy arena and in matters pertaining to the slime that builds up on that little treasure chest at the bottom of the fish tank. A source inside the Trumpsition told thefloydspin Trump values Mr. Goldfish’s unique perspective.
“I know what you’re thinking: ‘Our new president will be taking advice from a goldfish?’ Well, let me stop you right there. Mr. Goldfish is not, strictly speaking, a goldfish. He’s a gold fish. The president-elect bought an angel fish and spray painted it gold. He likes everything gold. It’s part of the Trump brand. In fact, everyone we’re considering for cabinet posts has to be okay with being painted gold. So, this misconception that Mr. Goldfish is just a stupid goldfish is pure hooey. He’s a stupid angel fish painted gold.”
The source was adamant that Mr. Goldfish will be a key addition to the Trump team.
“He has a 6 second attention span, but that’s 3 more seconds than the president-elect. And look at some of the other names at the top level, Bannon, Flynn, Sessions. Compared to those knuckleheads, Mr. Goldfish is overqualified. Besides, it could be worse. The president-elect is no longer taking advice from his cat. I hear Mr. Goldcat advised the boss to kiss Joe Biden on the mouth, bomb California and raise taxes on the top 1 percent. President-elect Trump only agrees with one of those proposals.”