Trump Pre-pardons Himself

Actual Photo of Donald Trump Penning His Pre-presidential Pre-pardon on a Potato

Donald Trump may not be entirely up to speed on the powers of the office he is about to assume. The President-elect again ignored precedence this morning when he revealed he has issued a blanket pre-presidential pre-pardon to himself, to be applied pre-retroactively to all crimes and misdemeanors he will have committed during the course of his presidency, which hasn’t even begun yet. In a wide-ranging interview with thefloydspin, Trump insisted he is doing what he considers best for the country.

“Look, America voted for me by nearly a 2,000 to 1 ratio and, according to Breitbart and Jerry on Facebook, I received a hundred and six percent of the Russia vote, which works out to I won with a billion trillion percent of the overall vote, which calculates even higher when you ignore the facts. Bottom line, the American people won’t stand by while their Beloved Leader is unfairly targeted with endless, bogus investigations, lame impeachments and totally unfair ethics inquiries. I don’t even know what ethics are!  That’s why this blanket pre-presidential pre-pardon is such a great idea. I can’t believe I’m the first one to think of this!”

Trump insisted his administration will be immune to questions of wrongdoing.

“The cool thing about being President is you’re totally above the law! The only thing they’ll be able to pin on me is the Medal of Honor I’m giving myself for Christmas!”

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