Stock Market Surges on Irony Futures

Actual Photo of an Ironic Cow

Thanks to a dramatic surge in irony futures, the stock market continues to soar today with the DOW again trading above the 20,000 point mark. Tabatha Brand, a market analyst with Goldman Sachs, told thefloydspin she expects irony stocks to maintain strong growth for the duration of the Trump administration.

“There are no sure bets in the stock market, until now. I guarantee irony is going to grow like gangbusters while President Trump is in office. I mean just the term “President Trump” is drenched with irony! This president is the biggest thing to happen to irony since Newt Gingrich. Wait, that’s hypocrisy. I get those two mixed up. And speaking of hypocrisy, that’s another stock that’s only going up. Drain the swamp by filling your cabinet with billionaires? Investigate non-existent voter fraud while ignoring Russians meddling in the election? Needless to say, I’m buying every hypocrisy related stock I can get my hands on!”

Brand’s rosy outlook was tempered by a warning to stay away from one section of the market.

“Avoid the truth. The same goes for integrity, compassion, tolerance, generosity of spirit… basically dump anything that speaks to your better angels. Believe me, your best bet is to cash in on the market’s darker impulses and make sure you’re retired in six months when it all comes crashing down.”

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