Referring to Bowling Green Massacre, Conway Cites “Alternative History”

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Actual Photo of Alternative Kellyanne Conway

Kellyanne Conway, the counselor to “President” Trump widely regarded as “Most Likely to Be Struck By Lightning Directly from the Middle Finger of God,” struggled today to walk back a statement she made referencing the Bowling Green Massacre, an American tragedy that didn’t happen. Conway told thefloydspin the press missed the larger point she was making in defense of her boss’ controversial executive order on immigration.

“This fake news makes me sick to my stomach. I wasn’t talking history per se. This is Alternative History. It’s like in that George Orson Wells book, 1985, when the benevolent government encourages people everywhere to express themselves freely as they embrace their rights to life, liberty and soylent green, which is definitely not made out of people. I don’t see why the press doesn’t understand that. Anyway, as any student of Alternative History knows, all refugees are terrorists, especially the compact ones. The fake news media calls them children, but over in the White House, we know what they really are: bomblets.”

Conway suggested the Trump Administration may soon try to mainstream Alternative History.

“Betsy DeVos, our new Education Secretary, will make sure Alternative History gets taught in every inner city public school in America. That way the tragedy of the Bowling Green Massacre will never be forgotten, whether it ‘happened’ or not.”

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