The Prince of Darkness has washed his hands of Steve Bannon’s soul. In an exclusive Superbowl interview with thefloydspin yesterday, Lucifer said he had no choice in the matter.
“Being the face of evil in the universe isn’t all pain and despair. I have certain responsibilities. I stand here as the duly appointed, number one representative of chaos, destruction and eternal suffering. Think of me as an officer of the cosmic court. I have a duty to uphold.
Pressed for specifics, Lucifer laid out the reasoning behind his move.
“You don’t think I get basic cable down here? I watch CNN. Steve Bannon is a racist, white nationalist hatemonger who has capitalized on America’s worst fears to place himself at the center of power in Washington. And I’m fine with that – typical politician, right? You can’t swing a dead cat in Hell without hitting a dozen of those. I know, because that’s my morning exercise, hitting politicians with dead cats. I find it exhausting, but satisfying. Anyway, the problem I have with Bannon is he’s an idiot. Could the immigration ban be more of a train wreck? I’m sorry, I can’t be associated with that level of incompetence. I have my reputation to consider.”
When thefloydspin asked him for his opinion of “President” Donald Trump, Lucifer’s mood brightened considerably.
“Trump’s a knucklehead, too, but what a knucklehead! No way he gets his soul back. Believe me, there’s a special place down here for Mr. Trump!”