Paul Ryan Announces Obamacare Replacement Plan: CarrotsandStickcare

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Actual Photo of a Stick

Republicans in Congress have hit upon the perfect replacement plan for Obamacare. House Speaker Paul Ryan told thefloydspin the new plan is guaranteed to succeed because it contains the right balance of carrots and sticks.

“Look, the naysayers said it would be impossible to replace Obamacare without millions losing coverage or premiums going up or quality of care going down. Well, Republicans refused to listen to the doom and gloom crowd. We rolled up our sleeves and crafted a better way. We call it CarrotsandStickcare and the greatest thing about it is its simplicity. Whereas Obamacare consists of 70 billion pages of rules and regulations, CarrotsandStickcare fits on a 3 x 5 index card. It doesn’t take a genius to understand how it works. Every American gets a burlap bag full of carrots and a stick. Then we sit back and let the free market sort things out.”

Speaker Ryan’s explanation of the free market component of CarrotsandStickcare was refreshingly candid.

“They say the devil is in the details. That’s the beauty of CarrotsandStickcare; there are no details. We give everybody carrots and they get to choose for themselves whether they eat the carrots and remain healthy or they let the carrots rot, which is where the stick comes in. If a healthy, carrot eating citizen sees some diseased slob lying around letting his carrots rot, he gets to play whack-a-sickie with his government provided stick. Of course, technically, no one is required to whack anybody, because that would be a mandate and Republicans don’t believe in mandates. On the other hand, who’s going to pass up the chance to whack somebody with a stick?”

Asked whether Republicans have a plan B, in case CarrotsandStickcare doesn’t fly with the American people, Ryan mood turned somber.

“Yeah, BareBonescare. The name says it all.”

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