Coming Soon: The White House Shopping Network

Actual Photo of Ivanka Crying for All Our Children

A source close to Kellyanne Conway confirmed today that “President” Trump’s senior adviser has been tapped to head up the new White House Shopping Network, a 24 hour cable venture that will hawk Ivanka Trump’s clothing and jewelry lines. The move comes just days after Nordstrom dropped the Ivanka lines due to “slow sales and a dad who is dangerous, narcissistic, orange, megalomaniacal and far too ‘new money’ to be associated with the Nordstrom brand.” The source said Conway is looking forward to her new job.

“This is right up her alley. Think about it, if anybody knows how to shine a turd, it’s Kellyanne. If you don’t believe me, close your eyes and whisper ‘President Hillary Clinton’ three times, then open your eyes and cry, cry for all our children. Anyway, Kellyanne is a proven liar, which is just another way of saying marketing genius. And talk about marketing synergy, the woman single-handedly created The Bowling Green Massacre, which will now be immortalized in the new Ivanka line of make-up, starting with Bowling Green Mascara. You apply it to your eyelashes, blink twice and cry, cry for all our children.”

Asked if the White House Shopping Network might violate ethical standards, the source’s response summed up the Trump Administration’s attitude toward such questions.


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