It turns out everything “President” Donald Trump says is true, at least on the quantum level. Caltech physicist Dr. Abigail Parks, whose groundbreaking study of then candidate Trump’s quasi-beta-mega-mesa-boson-quarky- neutrino-schmeutrino particle effect won her the People’s Choice Award for Physics, told thefloydspin how the laws of quantum physics work in Trump’s favor every time he opens his mouth.
“Let’s say Donald Trump claims he won the popular vote, or he tells us the murder rate is the highest it’s been in 40 years, or he insists Melania loves him for who he is, deep down. All of these things are demonstrably bullshit, if you’ll pardon my jargon, but not necessarily at the quantum level. In the teeny tiny quantum universe, anything and everything is always happening simultaneously so, theoretically, all his lies could be absolutely true. Well, all except the Melania thing. Even infinite possibilities don’t allow for that one.”
Dr. Parks is convinced the quasi-beta-mega-mesa-boson-quarky- neutrino-schmeutrino particle effect that follows Trump around can be harnessed for the good of mankind.
“If we can figure out a way to tame this thing, we could do some big stuff. Change the way the rest of the world sees America, bring a basic level of competence back to the White House, maybe even make America great again. Of course, it would have been easier to do all that if Hillary had won the electoral college. Yuck! How’d I get stuck with this crappy universe?”