Thefloydspin has obtained a copy of the secret Russian dossier on “President” Donald Trump. The explosive two hundred and ninety-eight page document details behavior that Press Secretary Sean Spicer insists will not damage Trump’s presidency. It is worth noting that Spicer’s relationship with the truth is so casual that last night he drunk texted the truth, “Hey baby what u up 2??? ME SO HORNY!!! ♥♥♥” Nevertheless, thefloydspin’s commitment to balanced reporting of both real facts and alternative, factless facts free of factual factiness, compels us to risk eternal damnation by printing Spicer’s whoppers.
“What a relief! We were terrified that once this dossier became public, it would destroy the president. But there’s no there there. Sure, the Russians took video of him doing eleven disgusting things in a Moscow hotel room – twelve, if you count the thing with the chicken and the ping pong ball – but the reality is it’s nothing worse than the stuff he did on the campaign trail and, as we all know, he won the election fair and Red Square, he’s faster than Usain Bolt, his penis was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for Penises and Melania is definitely not living in New York because she can’t stomach a man who would take a chicken and a ping pong ball and… excuse me, I’m feeling a little queasy here.”
Spicer is confident that no matter how salacious the details of Trump’s secret dossier prove to be, the story will soon be forgotten.
“The good news is all this blows over tomorrow when we bomb San Francisco.”